Question:
My husband and I have a good marriage and we are actively involved in parenting our three children. Yet, it seems that hardly a day goes by where the kids aren't bickering or where my husband and I don't have an argument. I often wonder what it's like behind the closed doors of other families. Do you think that there's a family out there where everybody just gets along?

Answer:
I don't know whether such a family exists or not. But, I have observed in my work with parents and children, that many of us have an image of the ideal family that we would like to be. Such ideals can be a beacon toward which we strive, but all too often they involve over-idealistic hopes that we can never achieve. Comparing our real-life family to such an ideal can leave us feeling inadequate as parents. When we feel inadequate, we are less likely to be calm and patient in our response to the foibles of our partner and children.

Children go through many different developmental stages. During the transition between stages, they tend to be "out of sorts" and more difficult to understand. At these times, some children will be more irritable and defiant, while others may be more shy and withdrawn. If we tend to rely too much on unrealistic ideals, we are more likely to have trouble weathering these transitional phases.

Acceptance of our own humanity and tolerance for the imperfections of those we love can give us the foundation we need to begin to address the natural problems and tensions that arise in family life. What follows are some observations I have made about common unhelpful myths of family life that interfere with our ability to be accepting:

Myth: There should be no rivalry or friction in our family. Though incessant sibling quarreling could drive anyone crazy, normal rivalry provides a creative tension that helps children to develop their own specific identity and learn to see themselves as unique. A family that can tolerate a healthy amount of rivalry provides a safe laboratory where conflict resolution skills can be developed. Additionally, a certain amount of friction between parents is necessary as parents bring differing view points to the daily decisions involved in leading a family.

Myth: Family rules should be stable and unchanging. In fact, a family is not a stable unit. All family members are growing and changing. Unchanging rules are as awkward as trying to fit a 10-year-old in clothes she wore when she was 5! Our fundamental values remain, but as children mature, rules are more effective when they are adapted to the changing realities of the family and eventually involve the input of the children.

Myth: We can change people that we love. When we catch ourselves saying such things as "If only you weren't so pig-headed we'd have a great marriage," this is a warning signal that we are focusing too much on the other and not ourselves. This will lead to blaming statements that will be perceived by our spouse as an attack. An alternative is to take ownership for one's own feelings. Rather then calling one's spouse "pig-headed" one could say, "It hurts when I feel that you're not taking my thoughts into consideration."

Myth: We can always protect our children. It seems like a paradox that our most sacred obligation as parents, to keep our children safe, is one that goes beyond our control. We can guide, nurture and interpret the world while providing reasonable protection, but beyond that, their lives are dependent upon themselves and the grace of God. If we don't accept this we run the risk of holding on too tightly. This will suffocate and demoralize our children because our over-control implicitly means that we don't trust their competence. Also, they will learn fear in place of awe if our over-control suggests too heavily that the world is a dangerous place.

In summary, a posture of acceptance goes a long way in allowing parents to have the presence of mind to use our own gifts wisely. To the extent that we are not bogged down with unrealistic expectations of our families, we can be free to love and nurture our children.

Originally appeared in the March 1997 issue of Central Penn Parent.