Frank Stalfa, D.Min.
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. ---Martin Luther King, Jr.
On October 2, 2006 a great evil was committed in our community. Charles Roberts IV shot 10 children at the West Nickel Mines School, killing five and leaving another five fighting for their lives. Lancaster County and communities from all over the world have responded with expressions of condolence and offers of help. The outpouring of support for our Amish neighbors has been impressive beyond measure. Churches, businesses and public institutions have challenged us all to donate our time and resources to aid the families of those wounded and killed. Out of unspeakable tragedy and sorrow came an effort that united our community.
We have also received a precious gift from those most grievously harmed by an unimaginable and irrational act of violence. The Amish community has taught us something about forgiveness, something that is hard for most of us to understand and, perhaps, accept. In the wake of such a devastating loss, the family members of those whose children were harmed and killed comforted the Roberts family and offered their support. We rightly stand in awe of their capacity for such acts of grace and wonder: how did they find the strength to do this? How could they offer forgiveness?
That is not an easy question to answer. It is better to ponder it for a long time and realize that the answer to that question may be as elusive as why this tormented man did what he did. However, several possibilities come to mind. One perspective is to say that those who were able to offer such unilateral and unconditional forgiveness did not have to decide to do so in the immediate aftermath of the tragedy. For generations their lives of faith have been formed and nurtured in a community that was already prepared to forgive in advance of the injustice done to them. They did not have to wait for the traumatic event to decide what they were called to do. The choice was already made for them by the nature of their belief that we are all capable of anything. And we are all in need of forgiveness. They could identify with the perpetrator of the horrors done to them and grant him the same forgiveness they themselves might also need from God. In a sense, our Amish neighbors demonstrate the power of a daily and disciplined practice based on the passage from the Lord’s prayer, "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."
Many of us, however, are still left wondering if we could offer forgiveness under the same circumstances. We realize that we have trouble forgiving acts of unkindness, violations of trust and injuries to our sense of worth that seem insignificant by comparison. Are there other ways to think about forgiveness that also open up a path of healing in our lives? Terry D. Hargrave, in his book Families and Forgiveness, suggests that the process of forgiveness is mostly uneven and incomplete despite our best efforts. He identifies four "stations" that represent a forgiving attitude, allowing us to find a place to stand that has integrity. It is important to note that each "station" is complete in itself and does not necessarily lead to the next one.
- Station One: "Insight"—we develop the ability to have an objective view of the wrong that was done to us and release ourselves from the anger, resentment and bitterness of having been harmed. There is no desire to reconcile with the wrongdoer, but we do make the decision to live on without carrying the burden of vindictive ill will within ourselves.
- Station Two: "Understanding"—we have a deeper appreciation of the motives of the wrongdoer, which may include some points of identification in which we are able to say "There but for the grace of God, go I." We may even see a possible contribution we made to the harm done to ourselves. No longer desiring a relationship with the one who harmed us, we release that person from condemnation.
- Station Three: "Giving Opportunity for Compensation"—we extend the wrongdoer an opportunity to demonstrate a change of heart and restore trust. This opens up the possibility of reconciliation, even if the relationship may never be what it once was. We invite a new start.
- Station Four: "Overt Act of Forgiveness"—we offer the wrongdoer
a release from any further reparation for the harm that was
done to us. This opens up the prospect of complete reconciliation
in response to that person’s willingness to accept responsibility,
express sincere regret and change.
In Hargrave’s approach, not all forgiveness leads to reconciliation,
but when it does it is never a unilateral or an unconditional
act, but a reciprocal process in which the wrongdoer has an active
role in restoring a sense of trust and justice. The caution here is
that insincere offers to forgive can lead to self-righteousness and do
as much damage as overt expressions of revenge. This position
asserts that forgiveness should never be commanded of a victim. It
can only be offered when the proper conditions have been met.
Otherwise, the one who was once harmed is harmed yet again.
It is certainly possible to cultivate the spiritual virtue of unilateral
and unconditional forgiveness, as we have seen exemplified
by the Amish community. It is a high calling and a special gift
granted to some among us, but not to all. For the rest of us, forgiveness
will be a journey with fits and starts and never quite what we
would like it to be. Nonetheless, we can make the effort by realizing
that even imperfect forgiveness is an act of courage and faith
that gives us hope in a dark time.
1Terry D. Hargrave, Families and Forgiveness: Healing the Wounds in
the Intergenerational Family (Levittown, Pa.: Brunner/Mazel 1994).
Frank is a therapist and pastoral counselor at the Samaritan Counseling Center.
1803 Oregon Pike
Lancaster, PA 17601
717-560-9969 · 1-800-400-7789
Fax 717-560-9553