Frank Stalfa, D.Min.
No, this is not about marrying three times, though not just a few have tried it this way. It is about the three commitments that need to be made in every marriage that has a chance, not only to survive, but to thrive. Such an approach asks us to look at marriage very differently from the normal cultural attitudes that have affected us all. The quip by Jungian therapist James Hillman puts it well: we usually marry someone in the hope that he or she will complete us. That is the romantic fantasy of the "soul mate" and it usually leaves both partners severely disillusioned and resentful. When this happens, there is a hidden invitation for the real marriage to begin. But how?
In this concept of the "three marriages" in every marriage, I am suggesting that each partner has work to do-- conscious work--that will not happen as a matter of chance. Growth in marriage is not natural; it is unnatural. It requires something of us that we normally resist. That is why each partner needs to identify which of the "marriages" in the marriage needs attention.
The First Marriage: Marry Yourself
The first marriage is to "marry" oneself. It sounds strange, but knowing oneself and being able to be a well-defined "I" in the marriage makes it possible for us to bring our full selves into the relationship. Especially in times of conflict and disappointment, the ability to speak from one's own center, clearly and graciously, is necessary for truth-telling and trust-building. Marrying oneself means that we know enough about who we are, what's important to us and how to express ourselves with conviction. It is ironic and not a little misleading that sharing ourselves openly with another is effortless in the "romantic" phase of a relationship. It gets harder later because we begin to encounter aspects of ourselves and our partner that we couldn't see earlier, parts of each other that create insecurity. We know we have more work to do on this "first marriage" to ourselves when we engage in varieties of attack or withdrawal to deal with painful problems. Working on our own reactivity, fear and confusion, rather than blaming our partner, is a major step in the direction of marrying oneself. None of us is ever finished with this "marriage," but it is the foundation for the other two.
The Second Marriage: Marry the Mate
This is the marriage we believe we are most familiar with. On the day of our wedding, we actually believe we are doing this. A few years later we recognize that we only had a partial understanding of the real person to whom we said, "I do." Over time we realize that our mate has as many traits that drive us crazy as those that attracted us in the first place. We have to marry them, too. This is one of the most difficult challenges of a maturing marriage: to marry the parts of each other we actually dislike. We know the challenge of the "second marriage" is underway when partners begin to confront their real feelings of disillusionment with each other. Our culture encourages us to "court in disguise" in order to initiate a relationship. But the disguises eventually drop away and we are left with this perfectly flawed mate who now brings a good bit of frustration into our lives. Many of these same flaws were never accepted in us by those who raised us, so we have great difficulty accepting them in our mate. But perhaps by "marrying" them in our spouse we begin to make room for them in ourselves, as well. Too many couples only want to marry what they like and accept in each other. When work on the "second marriage" begins, however, they open up to how valuable even the annoying differences they share between them actually are, and how they may contribute to the growth of the marriage.
The Third Marriage: Marry the Marriage
This is, perhaps, the most difficult and elusive of the three marriages. Because we have such a strong ethic of individualism in our culture, marriage is often understood in terms of what each partner can get out of it. This can result in an exclusive emphasis on self-fulfillment. Soon each partner is feeling short-changed. But what if the marriage itself is understood as "something third." something larger and more important than an exchange of benefits? Marrying the marriage means that we give the marriage what it needs to thrive. When couples are able to see the marriage as a living entity-not just a relationship between two people-they are often motivated to make enormous contributions well beyond what they would have thought possible or fair before. Instead of seeing the marriage in terms of personal advantage, couples experience it as a source and a pathway to greater emotional and spiritual maturity.
The reality is that couples are working on one or more of these "marriages" every day, mostly without knowing it. But when the work becomes conscious and intentional, tremendous change can take place: power-struggles lessen, empathy increases and relationships are vitalized. Which "marriage" are you working on today?
Frank is a therapist and pastoral counselor at the Samaritan Counseling Center.
1803 Oregon Pike
Lancaster, PA 17601
717-560-9969 · 1-800-400-7789
Fax 717-560-9553