Over the last several years clergy and their families have expressed increasing concern for the unique stresses that they are called upon to bear. For many parishioners, the very thought that pastors and their families experience stress as a result of the roles they play in the life of the congregation is difficult to accept. Clergy and their families, as well as the congregations they represent, often have unrealistic expectations of each other that contribute to the hidden burdens that clergy and their families carry.

Most people who enter the ministry do so with strong ideals about their own ability to meet the emotional and spiritual needs of a congregation. Often they also have idealized expectations of the church as a place of nurture and support for themselves and their families. It doesn't take long before these expectations are challenged, however. Church members have a strong need for the pastor, the spouse, and the children to exemplify all the virtues they also aspire to in their own lives. The pastor's marriage becomes a public relationship and is often expected to live up to unrealistic standards. The children also learn, directly or indirectly, that they are to set a standard for other children to follow, leading to the "P.K. syndrome," preacher's kids who feel pressured to model behavior that limits their individuality.

Other internal stressors are common for ministerial families. It is not unusual for family members to feel neglected by the spouse or parent who is also the pastor of a congregation. They see this family member give tremendous energy and attention to the needs of parishioners while they feel neglected at home. Sometimes there is a perception that the congregation gets the "best" of the clergyperson, and when he or she comes home, there is little left over for the family. Conversely many pastors, men and women, feel their spouses and children don't fully appreciate the draining emotional and physical effort required of them and how much they need home to be a place of replenishment, rather than another context for meeting emotional needs. Both are right! Finding the proper balance can be quite a challenge.

Finally, we should say a word for the spouse of the pastor and the unique demands of this role. This is a role that is almost always taken for granted and yet most married pastors would agree that their spouses are critical to their ability to function well in the parish. A pastor's spouse has the responsibility of supporting his or her mate's ministry while also having an identity of one's own. The ability to relate impartially to all members of the congregation (even when things are not going well), not taking sides on polarizing issues, and keeping confidences are just some of the special talents spouses of pastors must have in order to be effective. Pastors' spouses also struggle with developing a separate identity, personally and professionally, in their need to avoid being stereotyped as an extension of the spouse's ministerial role.

We can support our clergy families by remembering that they are human and have their own difficulties with the complexities of marital and family life. Congregations can provide a context for honest sharing of concerns when it seems that the stressors are mounting, and can take the initiative to offer support for the families of their congregational leaders. We can work together to keep our expectations realistic and recognize that putting clergy and their families "on a pedestal" sets us all up for disillusionment. Clergy and their families can also take more seriously the importance of maintaining a balance between the demands of the church and the needs of personal family time. Such basic family commitments as regular days off, vacations together and participation in non-church community activities set a good model for family life and the well being of the congregation.