The other day, maneuvering my car though traffic to make a 2:00 p.m. appointment, I found myself impatiently honking and cursing at a tractor trailer that lumbered out in front of me. Later I thought what a waste of energy this had been, and how out of proportion my anger to the offense. I could have saved myself frustration and stress had I, for that moment, put aside my need to always be on time.

More that that: If I could have exchanged my attitude toward punctuality for one which gave it less importance, I would have grown, matured. But to do so would have meant giving up a lifetime's learned and habitual response.

This illustrates a basic truth of human development: Progressing to a new stage entails giving up old patterns of thinking and behaving. Growing up means giving up. We sometimes focus on the rewards of growth and overlook the price-the pain of giving up what is safe, comfortable and secure.

Depression is a major symptom of the realization that we must leave behind a cherished part of ourselves. Since giving up is an essential component of growth, the depression is normal and healthy. It becomes chronic or pathologic only when something interferes with the giving up process and leaves the person stuck or fixated at that point.

Many people seek counseling as they stand at the brink of a developmental crisis. They are caught between the anxiety of pushing forward into new territory and the sense of loss and feelings of depression associated with leaving the old. Usually people at this point do not see the meaning or necessity of this process; they only desire relief from the symptoms of their depression "so that things can be as they used to be." It is the counselor's job to bring to conscious awareness what the unconscious in its wisdom has already begun. Hopefully, they will act on this insight and complete the transition to a new stage.

M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled outlines some of the major conditions, attitudes and desires that must be given up in the course of a lifetime:
- The dependency of childhood
- The "freedom" of uncommitment
- The agility of youth
- Authority over one's children
- The independence of physical health
- And, ultimately, the self and life itself

Working through these developmental crises is a painful process which most of us would like to avoid. But avoidance and denial result in greater pain and an inability to grow both mentally and spiritually.