Men in our society face unique challenges as they grapple with how to express their anger. On the one hand, there's a historical myth of the warrior-hero: dominance, power and aggression are the measures of manhood and anger is the fuel that energizes heroic deeds. On the other hand, the reality of contemporary society is that success depends much more on cooperation than aggression. In fact, men have discovered that aggressive expressions of anger destroy valued relationships with loved ones or put their jobs and careers at risk. These are some of the changes that have created confusion and ambivalence in men's relationship with their anger. The owner's manual for men's anger is due for a revision. The concept central to this revision is this: We need to become smarter about our anger. Our intelligence needs to be the master of our instinct. In the 21st century, it's brains, not brawn. Let's look at the four sections comprising this new owner's manual:

Taking personal responsibility: In order to get serious about expressing anger more effectively, we first have to take full responsibility for our anger. It's tempting to put the blame on the other person and believe that our destructive anger expression is justified by that person's wrongful actions. But focusing on the actions of others renders us ineffective in influencing the situation. We need to take ownership of our anger by saying, "no matter how unfair or insulting the provocation, once my anger gets triggered, it's my responsibility."

Managing physical changes: Men need to tune into their bodies' "anger alert system." Anger activates the body's fight or flight response. This results in increased muscle tension, rapid breathing rate, increased blood pressure, and quickened pulse. Many men find it helpful to engage in relaxation strategies to calm down. One effective method involves taking an intentional "time out" to do controlled deep breathing. This form of breathing originates from the diaphragm or stomach area, not from the chest. Research has determined that slowly inhaling and then exhaling at the rate of ten breaths per minute is most effective in counteracting the fight or flight response.

Changing thought patterns: Another way of dealing with the physical arousal that accompanies anger is by dealing directly with the thoughts that cause anger. Many men experience anger as if it comes upon them "out of the blue." In truth, however, we anger ourselves by what we tell ourselves about the situation facing us. For example, when someone cuts you off on the highway, you tell yourself something about what just happened. If you say, "I wish people would look before they change lanes," you probably won't be too upset. On the other hand, if you say, "They shouldn't let jerks like that out on the road!" you will feel angry. And so you see how your thoughts about the same event can lead to different feelings. Thoughts that create anger contain some form of rigid demand or command. These anger producing thoughts are often expressed by words like "should," "ought to," and "must." When we are able to replace anger producing demands with more reasonable thoughts that are expressed with words like "prefer," "wish," and "like," the emotional voltage decreases and we are less likely to act out our anger destructively.

Changing behaviors: Once we've done the internal work of getting control of our anger by rethinking our view of the provocation, we're in a position to choose constructive ways of responding. Interpersonally, this involves replacing aggressive communication (e.g. contempt, sarcasm, name-calling) with assertive statements that respectfully convey our thoughts and feelings. Finally, there are behavioral strategies that we can use preventatively or when we are angry: "Physicalizing:" Channeling the energy of the anger into non-destructive but intense physical activity like running, swimming, even cleaning; Ventilation: Releasing racing thoughts to a friend or onto the pages of a journal can begin the process of thinking more clearly about the situation; Relaxation: Activities such as a massage, yoga, deep muscle relaxation, visualization and music can help to reduce anger; Social action: Directing angry energy into a cause such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is another way to express anger.

Following these suggestions can get you started on a path to effectively controlling and using your anger. But be sure to heed the warning label on the cover of the Anger Owner's Manual, which reads: "Operate only while under the influence of clear thinking and sound judgment."

Reprinted, with permission, from Sir Magazine, April/May/June 2001 issue.

Dean is a Licensed Professional Counselor with the Samaritan Counseling Center and Tom is Associate Pastor at Zion Lutheran Church in Hummelstown.