Everything is perfect. The ring has been chosen. The spot for the proposal event has been carefully selected and orchestrated. Eyes are shining, anticipation is running high. They both love Chinese food, the color indigo and travel. They both wear Birkenstocks. They have made a down payment on their first nest and have even begun feathering it in preparation for the 2.5 children they dream of having, one boy and one girl and who knows about the .5. Maybe a golden retriever. The parents have met and get along handsomely. Hold the ring, you say? How could anyone possibly be so cynical as to suggest taking a second look and asking harder, deeper questions. It is a match made in. . .well, somewhere magical.

Love is blind and choosing a life partner, even with vision fully intact, is the most difficult decision one will ever make. One cannot predict how this person will adapt to life’s momentous events as well as the trivial items that drive a person mad. Having children or not, burying parents, handling your wallet, facing career challenges, losing friends and health, and having enough but not too much of anything are parts of life that will be intimately shared in this partnership. Not to mention when one inadvertently buys an expensive pair of shoes that later do not fit, or chooses the wrong paint for the bathroom, snores, smells funny, cleans up the kitchen halfway, or decides they love to camp. Nothing takes the shine off the ring or restores vision faster than experiencing the accumulation of stressors and unexpected circumstances that life is sure to offer.

How a person will respond and adapt to life as the decades unfold remains a mystery. Everyone is a surprise package, even to themselves, and there is no crystal ball or litmus test to indicate partnership success. However, the challenge is to be a detective, ask the questions, and use the power of observation to gather additional data to add to the shared Chinese food. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D., nationally recognized psychoanalyst and bestselling author of Women Who Run With the Wolves, proposes a few questions to consider which have been adapted for this article.

• How well does this person relate to friends and family?
• What value does this person place on money, material possessions, caring for a home?
• Are they generous in spirit and with resources?
• Does this person have the desire to learn? Does this person make your life bigger?
• Is this person strong and sensitive, like a rooted tree, yet flexible?
• Can this person feel pain and have compassion for others in pain?
• What inspires and motivates this person?
• Can this person laugh at themselves or stop an argument on a dime?
• Is this person a good friend, willing to listen and willing to share?
• Does this person carry grudges? Are they forgiving?

Granted, if these questions were the gatekeepers to mate selection, we would be a whole society of single folks; none of us would make the cut. But questions are a starting point. Perhaps the most important issue is, how do you, as the potential mate, answer these questions. Being the best mate one can be just may be the most significant variable in the mate selection process. Now is it time for the ring, please?

The Samaritan Counseling Center offers Preparing for Marriage – an educational opportunity for couples to explore the dynamics of marriage. The Center uses the most advanced form of the “Prepare/Enrich” inventory, which helps couples explore family background and personality traits in detail and provides information in ten vital areas of marital satisfaction, such as expectations, communication, conflict resolution, finances and parenting. To learn more or to schedule a consultation, please click here. Gift certificates for Pre-Marital Consultations are available as wedding or engagement gifts.